I have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I’ve had this disorder in one form or another, to one degree or another, for as long as I can remember.
I’m now seventy-one years old and want to offer some understanding of what living with OCD has been like for me. I want my family to better realize that some of my behaviors that have seemed so unusual, bizarre really, were beyond my control.
I also want the people out there in the world who have OCD to know that they are not as alone as they feel. There are many who are afflicted with this disease, a disease that totally defies logic.
According to statistics from the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation, there are more than five million people who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder in the United States. As individuals, we don’t readily know if we have this disorder. In many cases, I’m sure that it’s because people with OCD don’t want others to know that they’re afflicted with a disorder that carries a stigma.
Everyone wants to be normal, and OCD is anything but normal.
OCD can surface in many forms, and can range from mild intermittent episodes to those that literally take over one’s life every day. I think I’ve run the gamut of intensity and duration of obsessive-compulsive occurrences during my life.
OCD can present itself in different ways. One person may hoard the most useless of things and be unable to get rid of them; another might have an overwhelming fear of germs and spend hour after hour every day washing his or her hands. Someone else may be plagued constantly with sexual thoughts that won’t go away, and this, unfortunately, can lead to inappropriate touching of other people. Some people are overtaken by religious preoccupations that result in checking, checking and more checking with clergymen or others.
All OCD sufferers have a common theme to their disorders: an obsessive thought surfaces in their minds, then a compulsion to rid the mind of the thought can be so strong that the sufferer feels totally unable to control it.
Accompanying all this chaos of the mind can be depression so severe that one can barely get out of bed, let alone tend to the needs of daily living. Anxiety can surface to such a degree that one feels unable to function, sometimes even when no obsessive thought is present. This can make absolutely no sense to anyone not familiar with OCD, and doesn’t make sense to the person afflicted with the disorder.
There is no logic with OCD. The sad part is that when the compulsive act is performed to rid the mind of the obsessive thought, another obsessive thought can surface almost immediately, and round and round things go.
My obsession has been an irrational preoccupation with religion. I’ve yet to find a clergyman who can understand me and the interpretations, fears, obsessions and compulsions I’ve attached to my faith. Beneath all this turmoil, I know that there is a loving God, but things become so difficult that it’s hard to keep that thought in mind.
I’ve made hundreds of phone calls to clergymen, even to some not of my religion. I must have totally exhausted some of these people. I’ve called many other people and places thinking that I had to make restitution for something, had to inform someone that something was morally wrong, ad infinitum. I’ve managed to get myself into some pretty embarrassing situations and encounters along the way.
I’ve often thought that if my OCD were of a different nature (for instance, a fear of germs) that I could get on top of that. Of course, that’s foolish thinking; the person with the fear of germs would likely think he or she could conquer what I have.
Many people ask about treatment for the disorder. I’ve seen a multitude of psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists over the years. One therapist, who used cognitive behavioral therapy, did help me considerably, and one of the medications that I’m now on does help somewhat.
As for the cure I was looking for, I pretty much know now, that, at least for me, there isn’t one. Each person has to find what works best for him or her. For me, it’s taking my medications, avoiding stress and trying to put some fun into my life.
Stress really gets OCD going for me, and even if things that I do, or don’t do, sometimes seem selfish on my part, I have to avoid anything stressful as much as I can. Avoiding stress is very hard for someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder, because the disorder carries so much stress in itself.
OCD has been very hard on my family, particularly on my husband. My family has had to “work around Mother,” and that isn’t easy or pleasant for them, but it’s the way it has to be and somehow they manage. I try not to talk too much about my disorder around them, and they know that I love them very much in spite of the chaos running through my mind.
I have found, after reading about obsessive-compulsive disorder, and from my own experiences through the years, that tremendous anxiety can accompany an obsessive thought, but it does not last forever, even if the ritual is not performed. Often, the ritual just triggers another episode, and the person is off again in a nearly unbearable state.
It probably sounds like my life has been nothing but upheaval. This isn’t true. My husband and I have raised six successful children, and we have many wonderful grandchildren. We have a nice home and are fine financially. I earned a bachelor’s degree from college at age thirty-four and later earned a master’s degree.
I retired from teaching at age fifty-eight and did substitute teaching during the ensuing years. I still sub at various area schools occasionally. I had to take several months of medical leave many years ago because of my OCD, but I was able to go back to teaching full-time.
When I’m subbing at a school, I’m never bothered with obsessive-compulsive disorder, perhaps because I’m busy and really enjoy what I’m doing. I’ve had very few problems with either children or parents, and have been able to find something to like in every child I’ve taught (admittedly this has sometimes been a challenge).
If I do have a really bad day, and something is expected of me that I cannot do, I back out. It’s usually better to force oneself to get up and get at it, if it is at all possible, because usually it helps. Sometimes that seems to be an impossibility.
Little seemed to be known about OCD years ago; at least it wasn’t talked about much. Today’s medical theories lean heavily toward a lack of the brain chemical serotonin in people afflicted with this disorder.
Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) often are prescribed for OCD patients. These medications, combined with behavioral therapy, have helped many people. It’s important, when seeking a therapist, to know if he or she practices cognitive behavioral therapy, and if the therapist is comfortable treating OCD.
There is evidence, too, that OCD runs in families. I believe this. I have a very large extended family, and I’ve seen this illness or something similar surface in quite a few family members.
I guess we’re at least partly a product of the genetic make-up we inherit. Most of my family seems to have been spared this disease and have lead pretty normal lives.
I’ll likely have OCD for the rest of my life. At my age, I can’t see it “just going away.” However, in spite of all the ups and downs this disorder has caused me, I’ve lived a fairly productive life, perhaps more so than some people without OCD.
I once watched a television special on obsessive-compulsive disorder, and it mentioned that the brains of people with this affliction show differences from normal brains. I don’t know enough about that to make any knowledgeable comments.
However, I’ve left instructions with one of my children that, upon my death, I want the Harvard School of Medicine to be contacted to find out if it would be interested in having my brain as an organ donation for OCD research.
I want to assure OCD sufferers that they are not alone. Many know exactly what obsessive-compulsive disorder is and what it’s like to have it in our lives.
—Name withheld

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